Deeds of Stealth and Cunning: ‘A Rehearsall Both Straung and True' by Arianhwy, barwnes arslwyd

Being a tale of the second year of the Raglan Dooooooooooole, and told at the request of Viscount Yannick

And so, it came to pass, in the year of the reign of Yannick and Alana, that the cry of “Dooooole!” was once again heard in the land, and many doughty archers assembled upon the grounds of Raglan Castle to contest the prize and entertain those who chose to watch. There was much buzz: would the team of female master archers win this year? Would the other teams of master archers win? Or could the West Dragonshire team (this year called WD-40, for the shire and the age none of the team would see again), entirely comprised of non-master archers, defend its well-won title?

In the first year of the Doole, due to circumstances entirely beyond her control, Baroness Arianhwy (no, the other one) found herself in the excellent company of Edmund fitzJohn and Yannick of Normandy, as the three of them won the competition. Some of you are no doubt familiar with the scandalous and downright inaccurate tales of the machinations Arianhwy (the other one, I said) went to to ensure victory. If you haven’t heard the tale itself, you will no doubt have heard its refrain: And Yannick did suffer.

Upon the morning of the second doooole, Arianhwy found her fingers had exploded in blood and pus. Clearly, this was the work of some evil character trying to prevent her from defending her title! Yannick’s defection to sitting in the sun drinking gin and watching whilst wearing a pointy hat had already meant a change in the team: Dame Geneviève la flechière had gallantly stepped in to fill his place.

How, however, was the baroness to shoot with ruptured fingers (for indeed, the hand affected was her shooting hand)—and who was responsible for the impugning of the baroness’ phalangeal health? One name immediately sprung to everyone’s mind:  Yannick.

But, argued the baroness, Yannick of Insulae Draconis, embodiment of the realm, was the soul of virtue! How could he possibly sink to the kinds of scheming, plotting, and general jinxing required so to strike down the leader of WD-40?!

Suddenly it became clear: Yannick of Insulae Draconis was beyond all reproach, but Yannick of Normandy was not, being of subtle wit, and a Norman to boot, with their known penchant for treachery and generally being a bastard (in the sense of 'dubious parentage', naturally. Why, what were you thinking?). So the besmirched baroness bandaged her fingers and went in search of Yannick of Normandy.

He was nowhere to be found. Just Yannick of Insulae Draconis, who bore a strong resemblance to the villain who could only be his evil twin.

The baroness could do nothing but progress, and hope she didn’t bleed unduly on everything. And lo, it came to pass that WD-40 scored well in the prelims, reaching the finals. And during the finals, whilst Yannick laughed and pointed, dark clouds gathered, threatening to drown the gallant West Dragonshire team. Dame Geneviève shot her last arrow just before, in fact, the heavens broke loose. Only her native skill and speed saved her.

Baroness Arianhwy, first female yeoman of Drachenwald, noted for her skill and generally mistaken for a master archer in a dark alley, was in such poor form in the final that, several times, she missed not only the target but the entire boss, thereby proving a great malignity was in effect, as she did not normally miss the boss from the close distance of 20 yards. However, betimes her virtue, attested to yearly by St Swithin, shone through, and she hit the centre of the target squarely.

In the Doole, if the archers tie their score, the captains of the teams involved have a one-arrow shoot-out. Many times did Lord Edmund and Dame Geneviève contest against the greater skill of the enemy.  Many times did they equal the DiMwits. The captain of the opposing team was Michéal of Dun in Mara, a master archer of great skill and cunning, with years of scores twice that than any Arianhwy had achieved, and his team similar.

Although the curse she laboured under beset the baroness in many of the ties so generated, WD-40 rallied strongly, and in the end, despite originally being outpaced, the score came to four points all, with Michéal and Arianhwy to shoot the last and deciding arrows. Arianhwy, known in her youth as Arianhwy the Devout, held the scallop shell, that she had obtained from her journey to Compostela to plead the rightness of her cause, tightly in her hand and whispered prayers.

Her last arrow found the gold. Dame Caitriona, referee, voiced her disbelief, but awarded victory to WD-40.

And there was much rejoicing!

Later, fingers stinging, that baroness sought out the wisdom of Her Haeselness. She outlined the perfidy she had experienced and the malignities that she had suffered, and explained her theory about Yannick of Normandy. Her Haeselness thought gravely, then agreed, “Aye, ah reckon ‘twer ‘im.”

So there you have it.

WHO will win the prize this year? Rumours have it WD-42 have the answer.

WHAT form will the teams take?

WHICH innocent archer will Yannick of Normandy, noted blackguard, take action against next?

HOW will anybody be able to afford Dame Leonet’s rising bribe rate as she narrates the proceedings?

Tune in at Raglan and see!